Is Rewarding Your Child a Form of Bribery?
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Common perspective:
“My child should do it because I told them to, not because I’m bribing them to do something.”
I hear you! That’s a valid concern. You don’t want your child to expect something from others just for doing something that’s a responsibility. The last thing you want to do is raise an entitled child who thinks the world owes them something.
So let’s talk about bribery. We all have our own opinion about what it is. The dictionary says it’s to “persuade someone to act in one’s favor, typically illegally or dishonestly, by a gift of money or other inducement.” So according to the official definition, it’s considered bribery if you are persuading someone illegally or dishonestly. This indicates that the common perception of bribery- typically offering someone else something in return for them doing something- is incorrect.
I would take it one step further. Where your child is concerned, bribery occurs when the reward is offered or provided soon after your child has engaged in “bad” or inappropriate behavior, even if the reward is not necessarily illegal or dishonest.
Example:
Parent: tells child to put their plate in the sink
Child: walks away and ignores parent (inappropriate behavior)
Parent: “I told you to put your plate in the sink. You can have ice cream for dessert if you put it in the sink now.” (reward)
(Reward has been offered AFTER the child has engaged in the inappropriate behavior)
Now let’s take a quick moment to talk about kids. Please remember they’re just kids. Their frontal lobe, which is important for executive functions (i.e., planning, initiating, self-monitoring, organizing, and impulse control, among others), will not be fully developed until the age of 25.
One more time for the people in the back: the lobe in their brain that will help them initiate, self-monitor, and control their impulses will not be fully developed until they are TWENTY-FIVE years old.
Crazy! It also explains an awful lot about why we have to repeat things a bazillion times for them and why they don’t seem to learn from their mistakes.
Okay, so now what? Do you just let them get away with whatever they want?
Nah. You just keep that important fact in mind and consider that they may need extra motivation when you’re first teaching them to acquire new responsibilities or to just do what you ask them to do. Once you’ve built up the habit of engaging in the right behaviors, you can actually fade the rewards.
Which brings us back to rewards. Not bribery. Here are some important features you want to implement to ensure they are rewards and not bribes.
Rewards should be given both intermittently and sometimes conditionally. Think about it— you get paid for your work from your employer. That’s conditional on you doing your work, which is the same as an allowance based on chores or an agreed upon trip to Dairy Queen after a week of getting all their homework completed. An intermittent reward for you might be treating yourself to a bubble bath or a beer after a long day of running errands or work, which is the same as randomly rewarding your kid for taking the trash out on their own by letting them have 30 minutes on their video game right afterwards.
Rewards should be offered before your child even has a chance to engage in inappropriate behavior or as a surprise directly following the behavior you want to see them do.
BEFORE inappropriate behavior:
Older child: “You’ll be able to go see your friends as soon as I see that your homework is done.”
Younger child: “I’ll turn on favorite show after you clean up your toys.”
SURPRISE:
Older child: “Thanks for helping your sister with her project just now. How about you take a break and watch an episode of your favorite show before you start on your chores?”
Younger child: “I love how you threw that wrapper in the trash! Let’s get out your favorite toy and play for a while!”
Rewards should be given immediately after your child has engaged in the appropriate behavior you were looking for. This will depend on their age. If your child is young and has difficulty waiting for things, you want that reward to be immediate. If your child is older, simply letting them know you appreciate what they’ve done (immediately) and that they can stay up later that night or can have an extra hour on their video game that night may be effective. Just remember that if you’ve told them they’ve earned it, you need to follow through with it. If you don’t, it’s dishonest, which takes you right back to bribery and decreases their respect and trust for you.
Phew! I feel like that was a lot! I hope this was helpful to understand why rewards aren’t so bad. Let me know how it goes if you give these strategies for rewards a shot!
—Tania Henderson, MS, BCBA, LBA
