4 Common Myths About Parenting
/I don’t need to tell you that everybody has their own opinions about what parenting should look like. If you’re a parent, you’ve most likely gotten unsolicited opinions about how to raise your child from your mother, brother, sister, grandmother, aunt twice-removed, friends, neighbor down the hall, random opinionated jerk online… you get the idea. Not to mention the judgmental looks thrown your way from strangers in public. Ugh. I say ignore them; they don’t know your life or your kid.
Parenting is hard enough without having to try and raise your kid the way others want you to. I support you in raising your child in whatever way you think is best.
In the spirit of helping you sort through the unending opinions and (sometimes crazy) parenting advice, I thought I would put together a quick list of common parenting myths I come across in my work consulting with parents. Don’t worry, I’m only focusing on the behavioral science aspect of it (understanding why behavior happens and continues to happen). These aren’t just extra opinions. 😉
Myth #1:
You Need to Respond When Your Child Tries to Argue With You to Get or Maintain Their Respect.
Holy moly, that’s a common one! A lot to unpack here. So let’s talk it out- we know they argue because they love that back and forth (not to mention they’re putting off whatever you’ve asked them to do). So if you give in and argue back, you’re giving them what they want. And that, I’m afraid, will teach them that arguing with you works! Either to get our attention or to delay a task they don’t want to complete. We behavior analysts (that’s my job) call that Junk Behavior.
A super easy behavioral strategy you can use here is called Planned Ignoring. I don’t ignore the child, but I do ignore the behavior. So it looks something like this:
Me: “Please put your things away” (after school)
Child: “But I need to watch __ because a new episode is on! I’ll put it away later!”
Me: (grab remote/ tablet if it isn’t already put away) “I know it’s your favorite show. Let me know when you’re done putting your things way and I’ll grab the remote/ tablet for you!”
In this example, I am ignoring the arguing and not acknowledging that they directly argued by telling me they will do it later. I am letting them know that I understand the show (their motivation) is important to them and I am reminding them of how they can get access to it. Instead of making me the bad guy, I turn it around and let them know it is their actions, or behavior, that will lead to watching the show. It’s completely up to them whether they do it or not. Ideally, their motivation for the show is strong enough to get them to put their things away. If not, they at least learn I’m not giving in and arguing didn’t work.
Myth #2:
Hit Them Back if They Hit You
Children learn the majority of their behaviors (everything they do) from the people they spend the most time with. If that’s you, it’s helpful to remember this when you’re feeling frustrated or angry. They don’t come out of the womb knowing how to manage their big feelings- they learn it from you and other people they spend a lot of time with. So if they hit you because they’re angry and looking for a reaction from you, and you respond by hitting them back, they learn that hitting is a good way to get a reaction from you. I promise I’ve seen this play out often and it always results in more hitting (if not immediately, then eventually).
I’ve found that remaining calm and saying something like, “let me know when you want to talk about it sitting with your hands in your lap,” and walking away immediately can work wonders. By responding that way, you’re basically letting them know they don’t get your attention for acting up (hitting), but they can get it when they tell you they’re ready (appropriate communication) and can sit with their hands in their lap (appropriate behavior while talking to you). Once they’re ready, you can talk to them about what to do instead of hitting next time.
Myth #3:
Use Time Out if They Don’t Do What You Say
Let’s tackle this one just like the others: the purpose behind your child’s “noncompliance” (not doing what you say) is often that they don’t want to do it. A time out is often in their room, which is usually filled with toys and fun things. Sometimes it’s in a chair or a corner, which isn’t as much fun. BUT both types of time out delay them having to do what you told them to do, so it teaches them that they don’t have to do what you say right away because they get to put off doing it for a little while longer.
If you have child that doesn’t listen often, it sometimes helps to have them practice listening quickly to help them build up that habit. How do you do that? An easy peasy behavioral strategy!
Set aside 2-3 favorite activities or toys
Tell them it’s super easy to get them back- just start doing what you ask them to do within 2 minutes
Then, come up with a fun or silly thing to do and set a timer for 2 mins.
If they start doing it before the timer goes off, act super excited and give them access to 1 of the things set aside for 30 mins. or so.
Repeat steps 1-4 throughout the day to have them practice the new skill. You can start sprinkling in less fun things for them to do (like putting dishes in the sink) over time to teach them to listen to everything.
Myth #4:
Explain In-Depth (Lecture) on Why They Need to Do What You Say
There’s a good chance you’re being ignored.
It completely makes sense to explain things to them. How else will they learn or understand? But bear with me here- there’s a time and place for it.
There’s a trend in this blog post, and the trend is children who do things to delay doing what you ask of them. So with that in mind, can you guess what you’re doing if you lecture them about not listening to you while they’re not listening to you?
Exactly. You’re helping them avoid having to complete whatever task they’re trying to avoid.
So just choose another time to talk about it, instead! 😊
It can be so helpful to know what the purpose of your child’s behavior is (what they’re looking to get out of it)! Again, I support you in finding the best approaches to parenting that fit yours and your childs’ needs. Parents I’ve worked with have reported that looking at it a different way and thinking outside the box can be really helpful. I hope you’ve found this dive into understanding behavior helpful as well.
Please let me know if you have any questions down below!
Take care!
Tania Henderson, MS, BCBA, LBA
