When whining becomes too much...
/Whether you’ve witnessed another exhausted parent trying to remain calm as their child speaks to them in a whining tone of voice or if you’ve been that parent yourself— it happens! Kids can have a rough day, they might be sleepy/ hungry, or they can feel sick and be less likely to tolerate things they usually do during that time. Those instances are normal and you shouldn’t worry about them.
If, however, your child starts to talk using a whining tone of voice often and in instances that don’t make sense and then continues to do so for a couple of weeks, it may be time to intervene.
why is my child talking like this?
I’m afraid the reason is most likely the way you, or the people they are around the most, are responding to the “whining talk.”
Don’t panic— I know this wasn’t something done on purpose. Your job is to help your kiddo figure out what they want/ need and feel supported and understood, so that's what you do when they talk to you that way because it sounds like they really need you. Or, honestly, to get them to stop the whining ASAP. No judgement here!
But if you answer their questions or get them what they need when they speak to you in a whining voice, you are teaching them that that tone of voice works, because they just got what they wanted from you.
Here's how we look at it behaviorally:
Antecedent (trigger): child walks up to parent because she wants to watch a show
Behavior (child’s behavior): child asks for a show she wants to watch in a whining voice over and over again
Consequence (parent’s response): parent asks her to stop whining and then lets her watch the show
If, I, as a behavior analyst, look at this type of scenario and see the same thing happening over and over again, I understand the following things:
Asking the child to stop whining and then providing access to something she was asking for isn’t working for the parent because the child keeps doing it (i.e., the fact that she keeps doing it tells me she thinks it works pretty well for her)
If she is always being told to stop and then still being given what she has asked for, then I know that’s the part that may need to change. It wouldn’t make sense to change anything about the antecedent/ trigger because it’s perfectly appropriate for the child to walk up to a parent when she wants to watch a show.
An easy behavioral strategy to implement for this type of behavior can look like this:
When the child walks up to the adult and asks for something using a whining tone of voice, the adult will…
Let the child know that if she wants something, she should ask in a “normal voice” (practice a normal voice if it’s necessary)
Pro tip: don’t fall into a trap of arguing whether she knows what a normal voice is! Kid’s are great at side-tracking us.
Tell her she can try again in a few minutes (about 5) and can have it then if she can remember to ask in a “normal voice” all on her own the next time
Follow Through!
If she remembers, she can have it
If she doesn’t remember, remind her again and have her try again in a few minutes (repeat as necessary)
Kids learn pretty fast as long as you’re consistent on your end. I hope this was helpful and am excited for you to start tackling that whining! A peaceful home free of constant whining is just a few steps away!
- Tania Henderson, MS, BCBA, LBA-VA
